Sunday, 18 October 2009

Where to begin?

I'm pissed off at the moment. Not just about one or two things. I'm pissed off about just about everything.

I'm nearly 40. I was made redundant last December, and I'm pregnant. I realise that this last bit is generally meant to be cause for celebration, but I have absolutely no idea why. So far (which is a couple of days short of 18 weeks: even though the first 4 weeks are a bizarre medical fiction, it's still a bloody long time) it's a truly hideous experience, and very much what I would have expected with terminal cancer. I've been feeling as if I'm dying since the middle of July, and then people expect me to be happy about it. I pass out, I throw up, I can't plan anything, can never do anything social which involves food and drink, wake up in the middle of the night, and have mysterious pains in my neck from spending too long propped up at weird angles on sofas and beds.

I had been working on a masters, which I've had to defer - and been thinking about a doctorate, which now seems like a pipe dream. I have no future, which does at least bear a degree of symmetry to my current situation as I don't seem to have a present either. And then I see the crap that's going on in the rest of the world - and realise that nobody has any reason to be interested in what I say about it, and that if I try to do anything about it I'll just throw up more. If I could, I would run away. Literally. But that wouldn't solve anything, and I'd pass out before I got to the end of the road.

So here I am, angry as hell, and generally rather stuck. I thought about referring to myself as a grumpy cow, rather than an angry hag - but it seemed all too cuddly and harmless. We always called my mother a stupid old cow, and claimed it was a term of endearment.



(Not my mother, in case anyone was wondering).

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